onestepcloser

Was looking at some pics of me from the summer and seeing how much difference putting on a stone has made to my appearance. :-/
I’m hoping it’ll kick start me into eating better. I’ve been going a day or two where weight loss is on my mind and I eat well and feel really proud, then I go onto the next day not remembering I should be doing it. I’m drinking full sugar drinks and huge portions and going a bit cheese crazy. Lol.

A huge flashing reminder on my fridge outta do the trick. Or a tattoo across my hand for when I reach out to pick up something.

x

I’m now 7lbs heavier than when I started and now my wee icon doesn’t even appear on my tracker. Lol.

How depressing is that!?!?

Oh well, new scales have been purchased that gave me that bad news and I’m about to plan my meals for the week.  I will not be the huge depressed girl I was a year ago!

x

Well, last blog I posted was the day after my boyfriend moved in… 3 months and lots of nights in with take-away and not a lot of exercise later… I’m back to where I started weight wise. Grr.

I’m not blaming him, it’s more like I allow myself to be fat and lazy if someone still loves me. Lol.

But not anymore!!

I can feel my confidence falling back, I’m avoiding going out with my friends, I’m not looking people in the eye. Amazing what a bit of body confidence does to you.
I’m not working anymore either so I’ve not got the same routine I had before. But as the new boyfriend says “Find solutions, not problems.”

So…

“I have no routine.”
Well I’ll make one then. I’ll sit down with a pen and paper and sort out my days so that sitting depressed in my jammies in a dirty house is NOT an option.

“Gus eats big portions of fatty food, so I have to too.”
Wrong. There is no rule that we must have the same meals. I’m not working, I have all the time in the world to prepare separate meals.

“I don’t have time to exercise with a 2 year old.”
Wrong again. Yes he’s so clingy it drives me up the wall, but I can change that by giving him a little more discipline. And he does have an hour nap a day, I can stop sitting watching telly or being on the computer at that time. An hour a day is a great start and it’s better than nothing.

I’ve broken my scales so today I will get my larger-than-it’s-ever-been ass out door and buy some new ones to keep track.
Fingers crossed.

x

Another 2lbs down. Woo!
Didn’t quite reach my mini goal this week, but 2 lbs is pretty awesome still. Maria I’ll catch you up next week!

Even after the take-away Thursday (shame on me) and the CONSTANT eating throughout Saturday at the barbeque. (and I do mean constant sandwiches with the odd burger and sausage thrown in, even crisps! And I never eat crisps!)

I took a few walks with Andrew, and took him up to the park one night. Even on Saturday while he was running about in the garden I was trying to make an effort to chase him a bit to keep myself moving. Although one particular chase ended with my cousins rather large dog humping my toddler son. :-/ And I don’t really deal well with animals in the first place. He was getting really excited because we were running in circles and then all of a sudden Andrew was face down on the grass with the dog over him, complete with trousers down!! Which I’m sure was a coincidence after all the running but it just made it look worse. Thank God he’s too young to be emotionally scarred for life. Funny now but pretty scary at the time. Lol.

Anyways, I’m off to make another batch of soup to take to work today and tomorrow.  Wish I could be feeling this positive at the end of every week.

I’ve been pretty good! :O
Monday I made myself a tomato and veg pasta which I did eat an awful lot of but at least I didn’t go out at lunch and buy chinese! Tuesday I even went to McD’s and stood in the queue while my friend from work got a meal, milkshake, AND McFlurry. And I resisted. Even the little mini-tasters for 1.50 or whatever they’re called. I felt sooo proud.

I walked back into work and ate my amazing soup I’d made that morning before work and a nice yoghurt. Even when said McD’s friend kept telling me to just give in and get a kitkat from the vending machine I stayed strong. So much for support eh people?

And today I had amazing soup again for lunch and a fairly healthy micro meal, but I did fall in the door at 7pm so it was a long day, at least it wasn’t take-away.

Oh, and I also drank loads of water in work all three days.
Tomorrow is the start of my 4 day weekend (cause I work part-time) and I’ve gotta attempt the continuation of healthy eating while also starting some exercise. I’m feeling pretty positive though.

I’ve got a family re-union barbeque on Saturday and I know I can’t make the best of choices in that situation, but I’m hoping a bit of a splurge won’t undo any hard work from this week. I hope. I think it’s the thought of a nice big burger on Saturday that’s maybe pushing me to be extra good during the week.

That feeling of resisting the McDonalds was better than any food indulgence. I feel awesome.

x

Apologies for the mega rant.
Right, so before xmas when I’d first started losing weight, I had a one night stand with a guy in work. We’d kissed a few times before but after that night he went a little weird on me, and it took a while before we were mates again. Then once we were, it happened again in February.
Then since that night, he had his usual go a little bit odd with me in work, and then he was all flirty again. I was always so sure it was just sex, and that I didn’t have feelings for him…but I’ve actually become obsessed. It’s like a total crush and I can’t get him out of my head!

He’s waaaaaaaaaaaay to immature to ever have a relationship with. He always seems to be playing some sort of game too. We kissed again on Saturday night, and he invited me for a drink after work on tuesday then just disappeared.
When I pulled him up about it the next day, he said he didn’t think i seriously wanted to go. And actually looked quite shocked when I said I did.

THEN (I told you it was a rant) wednesday night he messages me to check I’m going to our bosses wedding next month. Now he’s not that close to any of the other members of our team and I know for a fact he wouldn’t go unless I was.  But what the hell does that mean? Are we forever gonna be friends who occassionally make out?

Man, I know I should just forget about him. We should just be friends until the day when he might grow up a bit and just take me out like a normal person. But I just wish I could switch off all these feelings!!

Anyways, on a similar note, I bought the tartiest black dress yesterday. I think I could pull it off with the help of my come excellent control underwear. Lol. But it’s a total incentive to start losing these pounds so I can wear it comfortably.
I always buy really summery things for weddings and parties, then never wear them again cause I don’t feel like me in them. So a nice black dress and some killer heels, my tattoos showing and loads of over the top eyeliner and I’ll be 100% me.

x

I need to get myself back into the habit of blogging. It keeps me focused.

Sooo…Monday night…binged till I went to bed, Tuesday night…binged till I went to bed…Wednesday…had my dinner at 6 and nothing else after!!
I know from past experience if I can break the cycle for even a few days then I don’t even really have to try that hard to stop the midnight snacking. I just fall so easily into bad habits.

I was adding in my previous weights today and saw a terrifying link between the dates I stopped taking prozac, and the dates I started to put the weight back on. I think possibly all my “hard work” at losing weight was a side effect of the pill I was never aware of. Oops…

No actually, I did work hard. Yeh if it helped then it helped, but it was still me avoiding take aways and exercising more.  The only reason I came off it a few months back is because they refused to put it on repeat and I could never get an appointment when I needed more. It really did help with my PMT and after last months collosal mood swings I should really get my bum in gear and go back to the docs.

In fact none of this “I should” business. I’ll call them now. Sorted. Appointment next week. Woo.

See now if I hadn’t rambled in a blog I wouldn’t have bothered doing that.

x

I need a massive kick up the backside.
I’ve been binge eating non-stop, and what bothers me the most is when I’m doing it I don’t feel guilty or anything. I just..don’t care.
It’s such a bad way to be, when you don’t give a damn about what you’re doing to yourself. I know for a fact that putting on weight is making me miserable. That I’ve got back into that terrible mindset where you you think “ah well, I’m big already, what difference will eating this pizza all to myself at 11pm do?”
I feel like I’m on self destruct mode. It’s not pretty at all.

I can see myself in December, when I had lost about a stone and I was so confident and happy, food just wasn’t an issue. Now it’s all I think about.

I swear in a past life I was some sort of locust. Lol. Consume consume consume!

Anyways, I have actually got out of bed to write this. Forcing myself to blog again might just be step one in getting back in control of my eating habits. I used to visit BuddySlim every day. Now I look at it in my bookmarks list and with a feeling of SHAME about how much weight I’ve put on, I skip by it and do something else. How bad is that?

x

I’ve had to dig out old jeans because all my newer ones are too small…
THIS IS NOT GOOD PEOPLE!!! Lol.

I’m still smaller than I was in October when I was pushing into size 22 clothes, and I’m still in size 18 jeans…just the larger ones in my cupboard that allow me to breathe.

Those newer smaller made ones are laughing at me. All I can see when I look at them is cider and kebabs and chocolate!

BUT, I did lose 2 lbs even with quite a few bad bad meals this week. So it’s not all bad.

I was complaining recently I can’t go proper walks with Andrew anymore because he refuses to go in his pram. And walking with him isn’t exercise when you go 0.1 mph. But someone pointed playing with a 20 month old is exercise enough. And so it is!!
I’ve started taking him out into the back garden and chasing him about. And best of all, my new favourite game is putting up my music loudly and dancing with him in the most over enthusiastic way ever. We jump up and down and run around for a good hour and he loves it. And it’s not me shouting at him to leave me alone so I can go on my exercise bike while he pulls at my legs and says it’s his turn. Even when I try to do sit ups he’s there sitting on my stomach bouncing shouting “horsey horsey!”
So singing and dancing and acting his age is my new exercise plan until I can grab some time to myself. We can both do it and it’s fun too.

New start. So it’s a new profile and everything.

So much has happened in my life recently that any confidence I’d gained from previous weight loss has totally been destroyed. I don’t feel like me anymore so I’m going to put so much effort into making myself happy again.

This will start with controlling my eating again. I fell off the wagon a while back with a chocolate bar in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. Back to 3 meals a day with healthy snacks and no midnight binging!!

I still love my job but working till 9pm 2 nights a week isn’t working for me. I have to rely on so many other people to make it work. I’ll still accept help, but I want to be self sufficient and know that it’s me that’s in control. The only person that should be able to let me down is me. So job hunting is gonna be on-going.

Every weekend for the last 6 months I’ve also been abusing my overdraft and credit cards on nights out, telling myself I deserved to make use of my new found freedom. But financially, it was a bad decision. I can go out on pay day as usual, but the rest of the month I’ve got to curb the craving. Binge drinking eats away at my money, my health, and especially my sleep! I swear coming home at 4 or 5am every Saturday and Sunday affects the rest of my week.

So I’m giving myself a budget so I can sort out my money. And hopefully once that’s done I can even start my driving lessons.

So here it goes. My weight loss part 2.